With Friends Like These
by The Wigmonsters
Summary: Apparently Sollux is a dirty cheater for using game power-ups the way they're meant to be used. But that's Karkat for you. God forbid he graciously lose at something. He really didn't have to involve the pizza, though.


A/N: I just wanted to write Sollux repeating something someone just said back to them in a mocking voice. So here. Unedited as heck and also I don't know anything about video games. Cross-posted to tumblr and AO3 (as all my newer stories are).

* * *

Some people might find something poetic about a game grub containing a game about driving flying through the air, but Sollux wasn't really paying attention to those possibilities when he dodged the damn thing and it encountered his wall with a firm, final-sounding splat.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" he yelled at Karkat. "That took me a week to grow!"

"Fuck your shitty cheaters game and fuck you!" Karkat screamed at him. He grabbed another grub and advanced in Sollux's general direction a few feet before being forced to stop by the nutrition block meal slab, obviously too angry to think to walk around it. Or maybe too prideful. Instead he started to squeeze the grub in a way that made Sollux mentally wince a bit.

"Oh fuck off, using blue turtle shells is NOT cheating," Sollux growled.

"That's what they're there for! If you were any good at the game you'd be using turtle shells too!"

"No I wouldn't because I'm not a lousy low-life cheater who preys on innocent trolls just starting to learn how to play by tricking them into thinking they're winning their first match and then nailing them with dishonest bullshit at the last minute!"

Sollux walked the few feet over to the other side of the meal slab, trying to stare down Karkat's angry face while simultaneously keeping an eye on the grub clutched tightly in his hand. The smell of the freshly-delivered pizza lying open but otherwise untouched on the table wafted up at him.

"Oh I'm __soooooo__ __sorry__, I didn't realize I was supposed to be catering to your pathetic newbie status and letting you win!" Sollux snapped. "Oh holy shit Karkat, how horrible of me, let me just get right behind you while you're in first and then nail myself with a shell so I can fall broken and prostrate before your feet while you run over my broken corpse in your shitty little blue cart and take first because god forbid somebody beat you at something because they're better than you!"

"Fuck that, and fuck you for saying that! I don't need you to__let__ me win. I would never need a cheater trick to let me win against that miserable greasy sack of bones and skin and shell that you call a body, or for your vomit-worthy red cart to run over some ridiculous power down that was obviously invented by a bunch of pathetic bulge-fondlers who are so bitter over their inability to fill quadrants like the actually functional trolls around them that they needed to take it out by making some cheating bullshit in order to knock the rightful winners out of first place at the last second to give them something to touch themselves to erotically at day while they lie alone in their dirty recuperacoons!"

Karkat stepped forward and leaned his empty hand on the table, almost putting his hand down in the pizza. "Just admit that I'm the best and you're a cheater and we can go play something else!"

An unexpected spark of vindictiveness was probably what caused Sollux to do what he did next.

"__Just admit that I'm the best and you're a cheater and we can go play something else__," he parroted back at Karkat in his best whiny voice that he was extremely proud of in a way where he knew it was completely awful and cringe-worthy.

"What the __bulge-bending fuck__ did you just say?" Karkat growled, his voice dropping slightly in volume.

"__What the bulge-bending fuck did you just say?__"

"What are you, three sweeps old?"

"__What are you, three sweeps old?__" Sollux repeated with a satisfied smirk, making sure to lisp as hard and obnoxiously as possible on the word 'sweeps.'

With a scream of outrage, Karkat made as if he were about to throw the grub, but Sollux, fed up with losing his hard-grown game grubs for tonight, tore it out of his hand with his psionics before it could actually leave Karkat's hand.

The next thing Sollux knew, there was a rough hand on the top of his head and his face was buried in uncomfortably hot grease and savory fruit sauce.

It was a few seconds before Sollux actually bothered to pull his head out of the pizza, too caught off-guard that Karkat had actually __shoved his face in the fucking pizza__.

When he wiped the sauce off his glasses, he saw that Karkat had backed up a few steps, the expression on his face somewhere between satisfaction and horror. So, Sollux did the first thing he could think of.

He levitated the pizza and flung it at Karkat's face.

Karkat made a few spluttering noises as he batted at the pizza now draped over his head and only partially coming apart. When he was finally able to shove it off, Sollux stared at him as he stared down at the ruined lump of pizza.

Karkat's mouth twitched into an amused curve and he started laughing. It was a quiet laugher, more a chuckle than anything, but Karkat never laughed loudly, and it was enough to set Sollux's laughter off too.

"Holy shit," Karkat gasped through his laughter. "Holy shit. We're two of the most pathetic assholes in the land-heavy hemisphere, aren't we."

"Speak for yourself, KK," Sollux said, grinning. "I'm awesome and you know it."

"Fucking whatever," Karkat said, running his hands through his hair and licking the sauce off his fingers. "Hey, this is pretty good. If you've cleaned your floor anytime in the last perigee I bet we could still eat it."

Aradia had just nagged him into doing that yesterday. "Sure, I'll go get some sustenance holding plateaus. Hey, how about we ditch these grubs and just fucking play some Borderlands? You're actually not completely terrible at that one, and I have an old husktop you can borrow."

"Sure," Karkat muttered as he kept staring at the pizza. "Sure, what the fuck ever. We're still friends, right?" he called out as Sollux pulled the plateaus down.

"Of course, grubfucker. Why are you even asking?"


End file.
